Hello, this is Doctor Phlavio Phega, first name Doctor, Middle name Phlavio, last name Phega, posting on behalf of Tetsuo. For the record, the full title of this blog post was actually Resident Evil: Radical Elephant: Round Egg: Really Ecdemic: Red Ecophobia: Rubbish Ectopia: Ruby Ego: Round Electrode: Rabbit Eleutheromania: Reality Explode: Rocking Enzyme: Regime Expunge: Radiomicrometer Experiment: Ryot Edition", but that didn't fit, so we shortened it to the title you see above. Now, I know what you're thinking, why the odd name? Well, my parents decided to name me "Doctor" in the hopes that I would become one. Instead, I became a drug abusing anarchist. Ironic, I know. Anyway, we're not here to discuss me or my habits involving monkeys and canned corn, I'm here posting because Tetsuo's off on a wild adventure and hasn't quite come back yet. However, he asked me to report his findings, so I'll do the best I can.
"So, like most of you, I too was confused by this so called 'Conform Day' that Joshie had. At first, I thought it was a silly rip off of Emergence Day, and that Joshie had secretly been working on a new game. But, when I asked him if he wanted me to transcribe my last Brawl match so he had something to masturbate to (a frequent ritual, sadly), he was absolute in turning me down, and only would repeat over and over 'Rope and Jam! Rope and Jam'. Clearly, his mind had been eaten, and with no one else being able to tell the difference, it was up to me to get it back. So, I set out to cross the Atlantic and rescue him. Unfortunately, my first stop was somewhere less than British.
"I got off the plane and realized I was in a lush jungle. Stop. I saw a huge facility far off in the distance using my binoculars, and decided this was where Joshie was. Stop. It was at this moment that a Ninja from the future stabbed me with a needle. Stop. Luckily, there were nanobots inside the needle so I could stop using the telegraph. Stop. Anyway, it became apparent to me that I needed to infiltrate this gigantic building, so I grabbed the nearest blades of grass, taped them to my body and started crawling there. Along the way, I passed a few guards, several of whom I killed for the sheer fun of it. It felt good to have a man's neck snap that loudly between my hands, and it was more effective than the stupid little dart gun I found. Finally, after crawling the 5 or so miles to get to where I needed to be (I had to stop and munch on some local flora and fauna), I walked in to what I was SURE would be the room they were keeping Joshie. Nope. Just some guy with an eye patch fighting....well, I guess it looked like a tank. I dunno, there were also some hawt chicks around, so I didn't pay too much attention, but why was there a naked guy?
"Slipping off to the mysterious dark portal in the back of the room, I found myself in a large, gothic cathedral. There was blood, white hair and angry emo music everywhere. Large men with large swords and larger-breasted women were all gathering around. Some of them were shooting, some of them were stabbing, but it seemed odd how little damage they all seemed to be doing. It was like they were using rubber bullets and plastic swords, which did explain how they were able to jump so high. And they liked saying things like "Hah!" Or "Hep!" in the middle of random sequences when they were just walking. Then there was a giant die that they got into a fight with, but some demons showed up. So I grabbed a sword, jumped in the air, and as I hung there for several minutes, humming the angry music to myself, I thought 'gee, its kind of odd how well these fellows can move considering the ridiculous amount of equipment they're burdened with.' After several minutes of hitting things that were close with my sword, hitting things that were far away with my guns, jumping out of the way of the attacks and doing not much else, I got pretty bored. So, when I heard Joshie's high pitched girlish scream from across the room, I took it as my cue to follow the sounds hoping to rescue Joshie. What I found was something far more sinister...
The transmission ends there, but Tetsuo has also promised the thrilling confusion...err...conclusion will be arriving later on tonight. Until then, eat, drink and make hat!
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